Nice: Here are 50 of the funniest euphemisms for masturbation

This post is part of Mashable’s Masturbation Week. May is National Masturbation Month, so we’re celebrating by exploring the many facets of self-love.

So you want to talk about masturbation, but you don’t want to say “masturbation.”

First, have you considered just saying “masturbation?” It’s a fine and good word to say; plus, it’s gender-free! But if you really can’t do it — or if you’re some kind of slang aficionado — you’ll be thrilled to know that there are dozens of unusual euphemisms for masturbation at your disposal.

We’ve compiled a selection of 50 for you here, all from the deep tunnels of our blessed internet. Some of these images are specific to female masturbation, and some are specific to male masturbation. (We need more terms that aren’t just for men(opens in a new tab), to be honest.) Some are not specific at all. And some are so deeply confusing that we simply do not know to which body parts they are referring. But maybe you do. In that case, can you let us know?

1. Poaching the egg(opens in a new tab)

2. Shaking hands with the milkman(opens in a new tab)

3. Manual override(opens in a new tab)

4. Marching the penguin(opens in a new tab)

5. Double clicking(opens in a new tab)

6. Polishing the banister(opens in a new tab)

7. Petting the cat(opens in a new tab)

8. Lone Rangering(opens in a new tab)

9. Boxing the one-eyed champ(opens in a new tab)

10. Celebrating Palm Sunday(opens in a new tab)

11. Nulling the void(opens in a new tab)

12. Visiting the safety deposit box(opens in a new tab)

13. Orbiting Venus(opens in a new tab)

14. Finding Nemo(opens in a new tab)

15. Cuffing the carrot(opens in a new tab)

16. Cooking cucumbers(opens in a new tab)

17. Dialing the rotary phone(opens in a new tab)

18. Taking the self-guided tour(opens in a new tab)

19. Playing five-on-one(opens in a new tab)

20. Making waffles(opens in a new tab)

21. Doing a Meg Ryan(opens in a new tab)

22. Downstairs DJ(opens in a new tab)

23. Turning on the sprinklers(opens in a new tab)

24. Shucking the corn(opens in a new tab)

25. Softening the peach(opens in a new tab)

26. Spearing the bearded clam(opens in a new tab)

27. Paddling the pink canoe(opens in a new tab)

28. DIY(opens in a new tab)

29. Scratching Yoda behind the ears(opens in a new tab)

30. Trolling the Bermuda Triangle(opens in a new tab)

31. Taking selfies at The Bean(opens in a new tab)

32. Dotting the “i”(opens in a new tab)

33. Burping the worm(opens in a new tab)

34. Tapping into your potential(opens in a new tab)

35. Giving yourself a hand(opens in a new tab)

36. Rotating the drive head(opens in a new tab)

37. Keynoting in Cupertino(opens in a new tab)

38. Taking your talents to South Beach(opens in a new tab)

39. Auditioning the finger puppets(opens in a new tab)

40. Badgering the witness(opens in a new tab)

41. Making soup(opens in a new tab)

42. Preparing the monologue(opens in a new tab)

43. Rosing (thanks, (opens in a new tab)Titanic(opens in a new tab))(opens in a new tab)

44. Clicking the home page(opens in a new tab)

45. Drilling for oil(opens in a new tab)

46. Engaging in safe sex(opens in a new tab)

47. Singing soprano(opens in a new tab)

48. Debugging the hard drive(opens in a new tab)

49. Minding the gap(opens in a new tab)

50. Watching the (opens in a new tab)Magic Mike: XXL (opens in a new tab)trailer(opens in a new tab)

Happy euphemising. We hope it’s a real pleasure.

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UPDATE: May. 15, 2023, 12:06 p.m. AEST This article was originally published in May 2018, and has been updated in May 2023.